stepping out in Blair, baby

Remember those ads in the 90's coupon inserts for the clothing company Blair? Clothes that only confused people would wear, placed on young models who would undoubtedly NOT don such outdated outfits in public. But me, being a sucker for "never-go-out-of-style" styles, actually considered ordering from them.

Well, it turns out that they're still around. I'm not sure what caused me to look them up, but they have a website now. Simply put...http://www.blair.com/.

The following is an online review I found:

"I just received my [Blair] magazine. I realized, as I turned the pages of beautiful clothing that is available through this Blair Magazine, that there are many women who suffer from the same problems that my friend and I have. I want to share with you that Blair has those beautiful jeans, dresses, sweaters, coats, sweatshirts that are made to be fashionable (not just plain), complete outfits for fun, social events, as well as for work. This could change the entire wardrobe of many people that I know!..."

Now, here are some clothes from the catalog for your enjoyment and perusal, along with my own reviews:

You're guaranteed to seal the deal in this jacket as it distracts your buyers from being able to think straight.

Their credibility as a leader (or follower) in the fashion world was lost on me when I spotted stirrup pants!!!

If you're going to look frumpy, you might as well be both colorful and attractive to stinging insects.

A tutti-frutti twist on the checkers theme.

Nice outerwear for those late nights at the bar. A good conversation piece, especially when the inebriated man next to you attempts to use your jacket as a coaster.

There are many uses for this little number other than a skirt--curtain, strapless apron (risqué!), the list could go on and on. Show-off the creative side of yourself!

This nightie helps you to say "go away, I'm exhausted" in a sweet, gentle manner

"I'm Barry Manilow's biggest fan! He makes me swoon!"

Thankfully, Blair hasn't forgotten about the men!

For the man who has everything (except self respect)


Wear this sweater on your next round of job interviews, and you're sure to get plenty of second call backs looks

And for the discriminating home decorator:

Avoid this bedspread if you are prone to seizures or insomnia.


With this curtain set hanging in my kitchen, I might be subconsciously compelled to eat egg noodles on a daily basis

Frankly, the thought of Blair changing my entire wardrobe gives me a new appreciation for my closet full of thrift store clothes!

I killed the apple corer

It ends here.

No Martha Stewart am I.

A local radio station had a call-in contest to come up with a new Olympic sport just for housewives.

Yeah yeah, I'm well aware that I work outside of the home. But I'm a wife, and I live in a house, so I think I should qualify for this game.

Someone mentioned "speed-cleaning the house for company that calls and says they will be there in 10 minutes." I would most definitely lose that one. There is no such thing as speed-cleaning with me. First, I need to mix up my chemical-free cleanser made from baking soda, lemon juice, and flaxseeds. Just kidding on the flaxseeds. But I'm looking into it.

Then I need to sort through mail, school papers, and paper bags of junk cute little heart-themed trinkets from Valentine's Day that the kids brought home from school.

And vacuum? Why, certainly not. I received two robot vacuums for Christmas. Best. Christmas. present. ever. Ugh, why did I resort to using that "put a period after every word to sound more intelligent than I am" faddish tactic? My past English professors would have surely frowned upon that.

So what I'm trying to say here is that I am an OCD cleaner (meaning that I spend tons of time picking through specific areas but not looking at the whole of the mess), and I would definitely take last place.

Instead, I propose that the first Olympic event for housewives should be apple-coring. No wives who have been successful at creating issue-free meals are allowed to participate.

The rules are that you have to use an old, blunt, slippery-handled corer like I did today. You have to make a clean cut through the apple and get the seeds on the first try. You must wear abdominal padding just in case the corer unexpectedly turns against you.

Here are today's results:

Apple #1: Couldn't get corer out of apple. Placed apple on floor with foot as a brace to remove. Success. Apple moved to compost pile.

Apple #2: Corer in with a heave and a hernia. Only half the seeds removed. Secondary gadget (knife) introduced to competition. Two points deducted.

Apple #3: Corer once again stuck in apple. No amount of twisting and turning would pull it out. Corer turned upside down and pounded on the cutting board with the apple suspended in air. No give. Right side up apple again and handle yanked repeatedly. "Ping" sound heard as I was left with the wooden handle in my hand and the impaled apple on the floor rolling in cat hair. Where was the robot vacuum when I needed it?

I lost the corer, but I did manage to make four tasty Granny Smith baked apples, all while endangering life and limb. But well worth it.

A clean core=a broken corer. Success? Yes! I get to invest in a new one that actually works!

And for another cheap laugh on my blog, I will now explore the intricacies of how spellcheck has tried to screw-up my writing (I can already hear the echoes of "You're blaming spellcheck? Woman, you do that very well by yourself!" I guess I've been reading too many angry blog comments on other blogs lately.).

We'll call this "spellcheck madlibs," a new feature. Woohoo, exciting.

Spellcheck for flaxseeds came up with:

flambeed

flatbeds

hayseeds

Let's fill those words into the sentence for today:

1. First, I need to mix up my chemical-free cleanser made from baking soda, lemon juice, and flambeed. And what, you ask, is flambeed? It means "(of food) served in flaming liquor, esp. brandy." House cleaning paste served in flaming liquor? Hmmm...that might make the chores a little exciting, if I don't burn the house down.

2. First, I need to mix up my chemical-free cleanser made from baking soda, lemon juice, and flatbeds. i.e. flatbeds to cart the rampant crap out.

3. First, I need to mix up my chemical-free cleanser made from baking soda, lemon juice, and hayseeds. "Clean and grow food for your domestic beasts simultaneously."

I love words. Aren't they great?