the cover letter and resume that should've stayed in draft

My husband was recently interviewing candidates for a job with his company. Amongst the shining examples, this shone the brightest by far.


Sir

I just saw that add on craigslist and wanna know how to apply. I know i am good for this job.. I got a clean record with no priors. was locked up at 13 for 3 years but thats off my record. Bullshit i didnt evend do I got my GED last summer so i am good with that. i am not lokin for much dough either cuz my baby momma is workin now to. I really only lokin to make 7-10 an hours. I dont have a resumee but we can do a Phone interview if yous like.
Thanks

Deli Present work their 8.50 an hour
Carpet cleaners 11.00 an hour
Motiviation (cleaned equipement) 14.80 an hour (fired due to illness)
Subway 7.50 an hour
McDonalds 7.50 an hour a yung pup makin a buck

blog searchword fun

A compilation of some recent searches that crash-landed onto my blog:


computericed boc germani machine (Whatever it is, it's very cold.)

ingesting moonflowers (How did I know that writing about moonflowers would draw aspiring drug addicts to me?)

the proper southern baby shower (multiple searches from Florida and Georgia. You live there. There's no one around that you can ask?)

yankee jurs eyes (???)

southern men are babies (Could we generalize a bit further?)

baby shower mints Nashville TN (Hendersonville, TN. Go to your local Dollar General. I'm sure you'll find something suitable there.)

why are my moonflowers falling off? (Los Angeles, California. Other than the fact that the flowers naturally only last one day, could it be that they dislike the smog?)

what is causing the leaves on my moonflowers to turn yellow? (Georgia. Hot climate. Water them.)

laygs or lehgs (Champaign, Illinois. Come on people, this is a big college town. You can't spell legs? Did you get admitted because your daddy paid off a senator?)

u r my shoulder to lean on and i can always count on u to b there for me your my one and only, your my everything everytime i (Melbourne, Australia. So they're as lovesick on the other side of the world as we are here, I see.)

"my braces" "my baby" "my husband" site (Italy. "My life, my love and my lady...is the sea.")

pricking uncomfortable eye (Malta. Please don't do that. Pricking your eye will only make things worse for you.)

pedal on the floor, hand pumping my prick (California. Am I surprised? No. I'm now starting to realize that my botox entry is going to invite a lot of interesting traffic to my blog. Welcome, perverts!)

big boy B and update on "blank"

Two major events happened in the life of Brandon today:

1. First loose tooth

2. Baby blanket put away

The nightly toothbrushing ritual consists of checking for missed spots (there's always gunk on the same front teeth). I noticed that his bottom tooth was leaning a bit to the side. Crouched down with my nose all up in his face and tried to figure out what was going on, as if I had never seen this phenomenon before. "Oh, it's loose!" He walked out of the bathroom with a glowing smile, circling around in the upstairs hall. Nearly 7, first loose tooth!

Tucking in for bed. Do you want me to cover you with your blanket? No, I want to be a big boy now. Where do you want me to put it? In my drawer under the bed.

He had offered to pass the old blanket down to Claire a couple of days earlier. My husband retorted--"No, that nasty thing is getting retired!" I have to admit that it is a bit old--my 17-year-old's original crib blanket. I've replaced the batting once and it is pretty much a thin sheet of faded material with some random chunks of cotton hanging on in various places.

So there it sits, safely under the bed. Close enough for comfort, yet far away enough to make him feel like he's a big boy. And, in fact, he is, and I'm the one who can't always see it--or is it that I don't want to?

and we worried, fretted, and argued over Obama's speech to schoolchildren...

Short conversation with my first grade son after school :


"Did you get to hear the president speak today?"

"Yeah."

"Where? On TV?"

"On Good Morning America."

"What did he talk about?"

"I don't remember. I have a bad memory."

"Was it about school or a job?"

"I don't know. It was getting boring so I stopped listening."

Selective hearing loss starts much younger than I thought it did.

B-Day

Waiting room. There are such things as "botox buddies," sitting kitty-corner from me, discussing the workout sessions they attended yesterday. The nurse calls them back together. An overweight, lopsided woman enters, her clothes hang carelessly, looks me straight in the face with an understanding smile, sits down. I'm thinking that I don't look so bad to be in this cosmetic procedure/eye surgeon office--perhaps that's magical or wishful thinking though. I could pretend that I'm just getting a little touch-up because my kids and nightshift schedule are causing my face to age, since I don't smoke and I avoid the sun like it's poison. A few minutes later the fat lady is called as well. Get the saran wrap ready, she cheerfully commands.

Now it's my turn. Follow me please, right here, yes--the first room here on the left, where is the restroom?, sign consent (risk of blindness? and millions of women have this done electively??), aftercare instructions (no lying down for 4 hours, no exercise today--we don't want you to sweat), but could I go for a walk?, yes that's fine. Nurse draws up 3 TB syringes and leaves them on the counter. Wait in chair a long 60-minute version of 20 minutes, read book the same line and paragraph a couple of times over, think, think, read, stare at door, note noises in hall, unstick my elbow from armrest, adjust wedgie, look in mirror and smooth down flyaway hair wisps, apply lipstick (I might as well look good for this).

He enters wearing a suit, asks how I've been doing with this blepharospasm thing I've got going on somewhere inside my face and brain. Fine, it comes and goes, worse when I'm tired. Terrified of this. Why? Let's see, it's my first time, I'm a botox virgin. Are you sure you want to proceed then? Yes, yes, I'm not tired now, it hasn't been so bad lately, but who knows the future? Driving is still difficult in the morning. Staring into my eyes, yes, I'm still blinking a lot, just not now when you're looking at me so much. Did my eye doctor send you the memo that I am pretty much the worst patient ever?

Holds syringes up to light, checks for air bubbles, says I'm going to start with a relatively low dose if that's okay with you. Uh, yeah, that's perfectly okay. I have to work the next three nights, I was hoping my eyelids wouldn't be hanging over my mouth.

The needle comes near. I instinctively close my eyes. I only know I'm supposed to because a friend told me that's how it's done. Quick, cautious, seemingly inadequate wipe across my brow with alcohol. Prick, bee-sting burn, prick prick prick prick, ouch (my eyelid!), jump, grab around for arm of chair, prick prick prick. How many of those do you need to put in each eye? I don't count, he mumbles. A quick blot of dry gauze to indicate that he's through with the right side.

Can you give me a moment to compose myself? I need to breathe. I can't believe women have this done because they want it done. That's what they say, he says, the ones who need it don't like it and the ones who don't need it say it's not so bad.

Now to the left side with barely a warning. Close eyes, quick. Prick prick prick ouch, damn! the eyelid again. Will my aqueous humor (this is far from humorous) leak out from my eyeball after he accidentally punctures it? I remember that word from anatomy class--a distraction. Prick prick prick prick. We're done. Blot blot. Call me in 10 days. Come back in 3 months.

The skin around my eyes is red and white dappled with tiny blood spots at the injection sites. I'm embarrassed to walk out into public like this. The receptionist says it will go down in an hour. Beeline for the bathroom to wipe the blood off. First I have to make my way through a waiting room full of old people staring at my face, probably wondering if I had collagen injections out of vanity while still in my relative youth.

There's a numb sensation all around my eyes. I count the hours at home--1,2,3,4--naptime. I've been up half the night worrying about this. I really am tired. I lied earlier, I guess. Or it is that I live my life in a state of exhaustion, so I don't really notice it anymore.

When I wake-up, that little furrow by my right eyebrow is gone. I smile. No forehead wrinkles. I'm still blinking a lot though, the sun a bit irritating. 3 days to work medically, 4 hours to take 5 years off. Nice. My face feels pretty normal, but normal for me is always tense and tight around my eyes, with my eyebrows having a mind of their own. Wondering if I will wake up in the morning and its contrary personality will be muted, or if I will need to tape my eyelids shut for the next 3 months.

So my little curse may be a blessing--only time will tell.

tolerance

A great definition of the word by another blogger:

Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one's belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one's right to believe, or obey, his or her own conscience.

grandpa

Today I found a copy of the eulogy and poem I wrote for my Grandpa's funeral from June 13, 2005. He died when he was 94. I thought I would share it here.

"My life will never be the same since you have gone. It is like there is a new chapter unfolding, one that reads 'you are no longer a child, and all the childish things have passed away.' It is very humbling to have your direct line of relatives gone this early in life. It makes you feel older than you really are, and gives the message that it is imperative to continue to pursue your dreams. You were my link to the carefree, happier times in my life when I was very young.

I hope that my family can someday, in years to come, build their memories on the fun and loving holidays like my cousins and I could always look forward to.

Grandpa inadvertently gave me wisdom for life, even after his death. Knowing him has taught me to stop withholding love to avoid the pain of loss. To say meaningful words to people while they are alive, and not just in eulogies, where they may or may not be listening. How important it is to maintain good relationships among your children. That it is never too late and you are never too old to grow closer to God.

As I grow old, and if I am fortunate to do so as you have done (perhaps avoiding McDonald's might help), I hope that I will leave something for the generations after me that incorporates all of the lessons that I gained from my ancestors before me."



Reunion

I will not ponder his reasons
In dashing your soul towards the throne
For now you belong to the ages
And Jesus has carried you home.

The tread of your footsteps fell lightly
As weary, you followed the days
In patience, awaiting reunion
With the sight of your loved one's gaze.

When over that bright hill you travel
And our planet appears but a star
All the long years of toil and trial
So suddenly banished afar.

Remember us as you are walking
Amongst those with whom you now lie
And send us new hope in our meeting
As we send you our loving goodbye.

queshtimation mark

!!!!!!!!!!

What is this symbol?, I asked my son in a teacherly manner while he was practicing reading.

A queshtimation mark, he replied. I corrected him, but thought, wow, that's a pretty cool word he stumbled upon.

So henceforth I am naming "?!," which I frequently use when emailing, the queshtimation mark, in honor of my blossoming wordophile B.

Growing moonflowers the slow and tedious way (A.K.A. the only way)

My first "official" garden entry is devoted to my namesake flower, the moonflower. This series is called "Gardening My Way" or "The Acrid Gardener," which means that I'm going to write about how I garden (which may or may not be correct) perhaps weekly or biweekly or monthly or yearly, depending on how busy gardening (or how lazy!) I am. Thumbs of all colors are welcome here.


Cultivating moonflowers is a bit of a process, albeit a worthwhile one. If you live in the far north, you can just forget it. You won't get a profusion of blooms. I know this because when I lived in Illinois I got about 5 flowers for the summer, and in Tennessee where the summers are unbearably hot I got new flowers almost everyday along with seeds at the end of the season. Moonflowers love HOT humid days, not the sissy 80's, but the beefy 90's. Just don't let them go dry in that kind-of heat, otherwise it doesn't matter what kind of day you have, because you will no longer have any moonflowers to speak of. They can be forgiving though, and if you do happen to bring them to the brink of death sometimes a little water and an overnight rest heals them.


Moonflower seeds. The cream and brown-colored ones are viable. The black one to the right came from one of my flowers last year. I had opened the seed pod immediately after pulling it off the plant, and I think it dried out too fast. When moonflower seeds are first harvested, their outer seed coat is soft. Exposure to the air is best done little by little. Let's move onto the actual growing of the seeds now.

The moonflower seeds must first be scored. No, this is not an activity that involves illegal substances. To score a seed means to make a tiny notch in the seed coat (A.K.A.--the actual seed), so that water can get inside the seed, and when the first leaves begin to grow out they will be able to break through the seed coat. Moonflower seeds are about 1/2 to 1 cm in diameter, and look and feel like little rocks. If you try to push them down into the soil and think that a little watering is going to start them, you will be looking at bare soil for a very long time.

To score a seed, all you need is a small steak knife and a willingness to sacrifice a bit of the skin on your index finger that is holding the seed. If your ear is itching while cutting, resist the temptation to dig. The combination of ear wax and a steak knife can be disastrous, and if you show up in the ER where I work I am going to just plain ignore you for not following directions.



Drop the seeds into a cup of water and let them sit there overnight.



Moisten a paper towel so that it is dripping wet, and lay it flat on a plate. Arrange the softened seeds on the plate, and cover them with another moist paper towel. Then wrap the whole thing in plastic wrap (like Saran wrap) to keep the paper towel from drying out when you are not around. Within 3 days, if you have decent temperatures in your house or sunroom (meaning that you don't need to be wearing a coat to be comfortable in there) you will see the sprouts breaking forth from the seeds. Hallelujah!





If you are forgetful like I am, you might happen to cut the top off a package of moonflower seeds and leave it standing upright on the kitchen counter in a moment of distraction. When you return to the package a half an hour later, after you have scored the first set of seeds, located a relaxing CD to listen to, poured yourself a drink of overpriced flavored soy milk, and visited the bathroom, you have forgotten that the seed package is still full. You grab it up by the bottom to throw it away, essentially spilling all the seeds across the floor. The redeeming part about this situation is that they are large and easy to locate. The problem part is that they are large and easy to locate. Make sure that you get them all up, because they could be a choking hazard to small children, and a hallucinogenic hazard to teenagers left home alone. Yes, you read that right, moonflower seeds can be toxic when ingested, leading to hallucinations and anti-cholinergic effects (according to the Merck Manual of Health and Aging, these include "confusion, blurred vision, constipation, dry mouth, light-headedness, difficulty starting and continuing to urinate, and loss of bladder control. Most of these effects are undesirable."). Undesirable unless you are suffering from irritable bowel syndrome.

As the sprouts continue to grow and the seed coat falls off, you can see the cotelydons, or seed leaves. As you can see in the photo above, they resemble a brain and a spinal cord (can you tell I'm a medical person yet?). As photosynthesis begins to occur, the leaves begin to turn green from the pale yellow they once were.

I placed my moonflower sprouts in a sunny window surrounded by a moist paper towel above and below. I found that by the end of the day the paper towel was dried out and the seeds were becoming shriveled, so I learned that the best way to allow the sprouts to grow safely is to cover the whole "apparatus" with plastic wrap during the day, and take the wrap off at night to allow everything to breathe and avoid mold growth.

An army of baby moonflower plants

I wish I could say that the "lesson" was finished, but unfortunately, there is a sadder ending.

If you look at the photos above of the seedlings, some of their stems curl around. This makes for difficulty when planting. Many of the plants above were placed very shallowly in the soil because of this, so that when I watered them they would tumble about, flop over, and get their leaves covered in moist soil. Dirty leaves prevent respiration from occurring in a plant, you know-- breathing, something even plants must do. Please consult your plant biology textbook for more information, as this is not meant to be a boring botany lesson.

Not only that, but I noticed that even though peat pots are convenient and better for the earth, they don't seem to hold water as well as plastic pots, so the soil would dry out rapidly. Not to bash peat pots so much, but they're pretty nasty when they start growing mold up the sides too!

Long story short, about half of the original seedlings died.

The moral of this lesson is to make sure you start lots of seeds, and don't give them pet names until their roots have become firmly established!

oh, and by the way...

The last thing you want to have to do is make a trip to the emergency room when you're a 66-year-old woman having abdominal pain, and then have to admit to the triage nurse and the doctor that you're really constipated and haven't taken a good dump in 4 long days.

But you know us healthcare professionals, we are exactly that--professional--and can handle this problem with the utmost of tact.

After the acute abdominal series x-rays are taken which confirm the presenting complaint of constipation, the doctor orders a jug of Golytely and writes up the following informative and cordial discharge instructions:

"Add water to line on bottle up to line, shake well, and drink through the day until finished or bowel movement occurs. Happy Mother's Day!"