oh, and by the way...

The last thing you want to have to do is make a trip to the emergency room when you're a 66-year-old woman having abdominal pain, and then have to admit to the triage nurse and the doctor that you're really constipated and haven't taken a good dump in 4 long days.

But you know us healthcare professionals, we are exactly that--professional--and can handle this problem with the utmost of tact.

After the acute abdominal series x-rays are taken which confirm the presenting complaint of constipation, the doctor orders a jug of Golytely and writes up the following informative and cordial discharge instructions:

"Add water to line on bottle up to line, shake well, and drink through the day until finished or bowel movement occurs. Happy Mother's Day!"

she's an oxymoron

My husband told me about a woman that came into a store with a bottle of prescription pills. The name on the bottle was scratched off.

She was caught stealing a $180 DVD player, a 20 oz. bottle of Crush, and Joel Osteen's audiobook "Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential."

You have to give her just a little credit for trying.

learning the language

Here in the South, there are churches everywhere.

People are sanctified and glorified. And now, according to one of my dizzy-feeling patients, they are also faintified. I wonder if being deep-fried fits in anywhere here.

That's almost as bad as when your feet get "swol."

The other day I caught myself saying "ya'll." And I have cut "pop" out of my speech except around family. It's "soda," otherwise I give myself away. Natives use "coke" to be persnickety to Northerners--to really confuse us. I know this because they always smile as they say it once they've notice my accent.

I've read that it takes 2 years to lay down roots in a new community, and it has been nearly two years now. I don't cry every other day about how I miss Illinois, and I like my next-door neighbor (either that, or I've just learned how to put up with him, or vice versa).

I am either conceding my northernness or selling-out.