Friday, May 23, 2014

Random post-divorce update

My coworker remarked to me today that I emanate an aura of peace, happiness and health.

Inside I feel torn, but others can see things we cannot always see.  Maybe I appear this way because I have found the woods again.  I try to spend as much time out there as I can, hiking and backpacking.  It is my meditative place.  Thoreau and Frost were definitely onto something.

The offshoot of the divorce was that I am now able to have time away from the kids to do that.  They come with me often, but I get more time to myself than I ever did.

I'm far from the person I want to be though.  My ex can still make my blood boil.  Sometimes I want to call him a "fucking fucker" when he's giving me a hard time about something, seemingly for the joy he gets from it.  My house is way more disorganized than I'm embarrassed to admit.

I am trying to navigate this being-single deal again-- not being too serious, not letting my kids know anything, learning to be good with being alone, learning to balance between hiding and showing care for someone, fighting horniness, and allowing myself to break away from the church guilt I grew up with after so long. 

Having male friends I keep only as that, and putting more value in my female friends.  Realizing sadly that the parents of my kids' friends are not my true friends, but more like conditional ones depending on if our kids are fighting or not.  Discovering that I really am fun to be with, forcing myself to meet new friends and open myself up to them, and being comfortable hanging out in a public place with people I just recently met and not worrying that I am going to say something stupid.

And I'm still trying to leave my old job and become a real nurse practitioner.  That has been the hardest thing of all lately.

When it comes down to it, this is really just the way of life.  Everyone has to walk this path at one time or another--becoming comfortable and learning to love themselves, while balancing that with love for others.  It's all about growing, and it's good.  I wish I had done this sooner.


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