Sunday, December 6, 2009

to the pre-lit christmas tree in my front room

Hello there, tree. Nice to make your acquaintance. I'm sure that you're feeling cramped in that box, and a little airing out will suit you well. It must've been a long and harrowing trip from China to my living room. Up on the stand you go. Now to add your midsection and top. All assembled. Feel better?

My husband recently inherited you from a co-worker and thinks that you'd be a more suitable choice for our Christmas decor this year. Let's make something perfectly clear: I do not agree. I know that you're probably confused, so I'll explain. I am a sentimental packrat, and I don't like replacing things that still seem to work fine and that I have an attachment to. You will soon find this out when you get crammed into the storage closet with the rest of the holiday decorations from years gone by.

I didn't see anything wrong with my old tree, but my better half says that it's missing too many needles. FYI, we have two kittens, and I can see them already eyeing yours like they're chew toys.

The real problem is that you're not really presenting yourself well. Sure, all of your lightbulbs are working. For now. But your shape is lopsided and I can see your pole. Don't be shy...I've seen many like this before. We'll just make some of your inner branches more erect to cover it up. Am I making you blush? Can we puhleeze keep this on a professional level???

Here kitty kitty. Excuse me for a moment while I dig my cat out from your innards. She's really just a baby, but recently came into that special time in life whereby she walks around moaning and rubbing her butthole on everything in sight. Laypeople such as myself call it "heat." Don't worry, this is not a permanent condition, and it won't cause you to burn down. We plan to get both of the cats sterilized...after Christmas.

I think that you and I are going to have some good years together.


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